Life As A Writer

Michael Daaboul. 26 y/o from Australia/Melbourne. Creative/Digital Designer & Writer.

Anonymous asked:
You're welcome, Michael :) now it makes me wonder.. Just how much heartbreak could a person ever go through to be able to write as beautifully as you do? How many times have you ever fallen in and out of love? I know this is cruel to say, or even think, but I'm glad you've had your heart broken just enough (or too much) because all of it led to all of THIS: your poetry, you words. <3

Love Lies Bleeding: Firestorm (Christmas Special 2013)

Boy: What do you think love is all about?
Girl: I think it's a lot of hard work.
Boy: Oh, hard work doesn't sound too appealing.
Girl: You know, it shouldn't be though.
Boy: Why do you say that?
Girl: Real love is almost unconditional. Otherwise, I don't think it’s called love.
Boy: People fall out of love, or so I heard.
Girl: I don't think they fall out of love, they just stop meeting each other in their hearts.
Boy: Why?
Girl: It's not real love.
Boy: What's real love then?
Girl: Love is a battle and you need someone who is going to be on your team. I really mean it though, you need someone who really is going to help you fight so much and never, ever leave you behind. No matter how pathetic you seem, no matter what you do.
Boy: Can you lose a battle?
Girl: You can, but that doesn't mean that someone is lost too!
Boy: What happens to them?
Girl: I don't care if we're outnumbered by a million to two. I don't care if it's a firestorm or when it's getting so tough you feel like you need to run away. You don't run away without me, you don't leave me behind. You're on my team, you're with me. I don't need someone who loves me when there's no fight, anyone can love you when it's perfect. What if life puts me on a battlefield? And he runs away? THAT'S NOT LOVE! I need him to believe in me all the time, to trust me, to know I will be there anytime, EVERY TIME! That there's no doubt in my mind that he's beside me. Always by my side! You know how rare that loyalty is? That's love.
Boy: Oh my. That's amazing.
Girl: It is. The feeling is amazing! I know there's someone out there that will do anything for me, in any situation, they would even protect me until they can no longer move. I would do the same. He would look into my eyes and say to me, "Would you fight for me? Would you be here, and even when you might not be happy or a little sad, would you be human with me and preserve... would you take my hand when everyone has left me behind?" And I would slap him, and tell him, “How can you ever doubt me!” I would be with him until I can no longer move. BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!
Boy: That's so powerful, my god!
Girl: That's what love is all about. It's not about falling out of love. You fall out of love. You doubt, you create an illusion of false lies and false futures. Every green grass you jump to, is the same green grass.
Boy: What if those people did genuinely fall out of love though?
Girl: They thought they were in love. If you ever felt what I told you just now, that means you two were inseparable. You stopped meeting halfway, YOU did.
Boy: Unconditional love.
Girl: It's no secret, we're unstable. We fear and fly away. When it's not easy, we rather flee until we just settle. We need someone to tell us it will be okay, someone to stop me while my mind is in chaos, to remind me and look deep into my eyes, that everything will be okay!

the blue striped box

I was cleaning my room and stumbled upon a box with pictures of my ex, letters and ripped letters from me. Even the wrapping from gifts. I didn’t stumble upon it, I knew it was there, under my bed. I like to think I ‘stumbled’ upon it.

I have been conflicted whether or not I should throw the box out. You know, almost effectively consolidating that part of my life into oblivion. Sure, I have the memories, but how long before they fade? I used to keep everything. Anything that represents sentimental value, and I mean anything. Something she touched, notes she wrote, text messages, emails, pictures, wrapping paper, ribbons, envelops, chat logs whatever she was a part of.

I deleted most of these things because I had lengthy negotiations with my mind and heart. After replaying back many memories and adding up all the shit that happened, I came to the conclusion it was not needed. I find that hard to accept. Mostly because I hold on to emotions and the past like an aggressive form of cancer. In my opinion if you don’t inject meaning and feeling into everything you do, especially relationships, than there’s no point.

This is why I have such a hard time eliminating things and people that were a significant part of my life. I have repeatedly removed emotional splinters so I could continue to carry on. After all, why should I keep a part of her in Pandora’s box when she removed me in a heartbeat?

What am I exactly holding on to? A fake ghost in my dreams who smiles at me, holds my hands and we walk towards the sunset? That’s not her. I’m falling in love with my own perception of what I want, not what she is in reality. In reality she doesn’t exist like that and I keep these lingering pieces inside the box as if she was really like that, someone amazing. She appears in my graduation photos, in the family shots because there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I would be with her until the end. I have no doubts. When she graduated, I wasn’t included in a family shot. That action didn’t speak volumes to me, it was a tumour subtly planted on my lungs, ever so slowly taking my breath away.

What’s in front of me is my past and a thousand torn pieces of coloured paper that are my letters that I spent days perfectly crafting for her. I took the shredded pieces when she ripped them without any sentiment. A fit of rage that spoke more of judgement than a human emotion. It has taking me a year and with all my calming thoughts and memories vividly growing as the days continue, I am still contemplating whether or not this box of broken dreams and empty hopes should be removed. It was with a heavy heart and always is to part way with not only my past but a time where true love existed. What holds me back is emotion and every nostalgic memory attached to an anxious feeling when it comes to her.

Does emotion hold me back? If there was no emotion I could freely destroy and forget everything and anything without a single thought. That’s great. At the same time, I might as well not exist because if there’s no emotion, what’s the point? There isn’t any point. I would rather be broken a thousand times and sit in a rabbit hole for all eternity than to be living in a state of numbness, placed in an abandoned city cesspool filled with dead cold hearts.

After all my words, I continue to stare at the blue striped box, the box I used to put her very first gifts in. I would eventually part ways with what’s inside, one day. I can no longer stand to read what she used to feel as that was in another time, in history where you will find only me; and if it was your history and you young lady, and you sir and your daughter and your son and your father and your mother, if it was your box that only you existed in where it was made for two, why should you stay there? There’s no one there anymore, absolutely no one but you and your maddening thoughts.

She has moved on, departed from your box and destroyed every word, gift and hand-crafted letter you ever gave her. She kept nothing, absolutely zero.

And yet, with all of my madness, and poetic words, the box still stares at me and taunts my every effort to remove it from my heart. Haunting me until my sanity overcomes my emotional burden.

don’t tell my wife; i’m an actor

This is what it feels like being an actor.

I have a huge following, lots of fans and they adore me. I can tattoo my whole body and my fans would find it sexy, in reality, they don’t like their boyfriends getting tattoos and they don’t like tattoos, either. I’m an exception. I can get away with murder because I’m gorgeous and famous.

I take drugs, I smoke weed and LSD. I have written a novel because I’m creative when I trip out. My fans don’t mind that I take drugs, because I’m successful, but they wouldn’t go out with someone who takes drugs. I’m an exception because I’m hot and my social status makes me, oh god, fuck worthy.

Before I was an actor, no one wanted to know me. I had a few friends and that was about it. I spent most of my time with family.

On set, it’s a different story. I do fuck actresses, crew members, extras it really depends. Most people think it’s a job, you’re a professional, and it’s what you do. My wife has accepted that I’m an actor and I have scenes where I may have to kiss my acting partner. She says there’s nothing to it, it means nothing.

That’s not entirely true. We have several make out scenes and my romantic interest on-screen comes to my trailer to practise how it should be done. She’s in a relationship. We kiss and we enjoy it. It doesn’t just happen on set. After a few sessions, she stays the night in my trailer.

My wife doesn’t know this.

After we finish filming, this fictional relationship doesn’t continue. We know the code, what happens on set, stays there. No one knows, of course, everyone else in the industry does. It explains why actors and actresses aren’t bothered too much, as they’re both kissing and practising in their respective films.

Most times when the set is getting ready, I have a lot of time on my hands to do whatever I want. I could call my wife, but I often find myself chatting up cute female extras. I prefer to do that, because they’re new, attractive and I’d rather do that. I smile and go along with whatever they say, it’s horrible, but I like what I’m doing.

Before I became an actor, I used to throw around a particular question to friends, family members and random people I would meet on the train if they could go out with an actor. It surprises me even now, that they think what we do is just acting. Yes, it’s acting, but are we so narrow minded that when we’re kissing someone on-screen I’m not going to feel anything at all? That I’m not going to enjoy it? That it’s okay because I’m acting?

It’s not. You’re not kissing once for that scene, you’re rehearsing a hundred times. Maybe we needed to rehearse a few times so I could breathe in her sedating perfume and taste her lips one more time because it’s addicting, but we enjoy it so much, we can make out all night.

My wife doesn’t know though, at least the audience will get a pretty authentic scene demonstrating love and raw emotion. It’s acting though, remember?

I’m an actor, doesn’t mean all my human urges and emotions are stripped, but, I reassure my wife, it doesn’t mean anything, I’m only acting. As long as I can make it okay, everything is okay. It’s perfect. All her friends say don’t be so insecure, you’re paranoid and just because your shitty friends did that, doesn’t mean he will. The fact remains, we’re all shitty. Trust is an important component in relationships, but in this scene, we’re gorgeous, we’re fabulous.

Maybe that’s how I really am? Maybe being an actor gives me permission to feel and do what I want to do without the taboo involved. Perfect, I’m an actor, fucking brilliant, literally.

It’s the same as actresses before you call me a pig, they get as much action as I do. Some have fallen in love and got a divorce.

I think it’s terrible, I’m terrible, but now people laugh at my stupid jokes because I’m famous. I laugh like a hyena because you’re hot and you have a big penis. It’s great really, no matter what I do in my personal life or how much of a shithead I am, I’m a sex god, because I’m hot.

I remember going out with my ex one night, well, she was my girlfriend then, ex now. We were at a bar (I wasn’t famous then) and a hot waiter approached and said some lame joke which was a subtle cheap shot at me, ex laughed in hysterics (of course, penetrating my point further) while I thought it was rude. She said to me I had no sense of humour. Fucking hilarious.

Guess what? Now I’m that guy, I’m not even funny, but because I’m such a gorgeous actor, I have a sense of humour and all those restrictions for the average underachiever and struggler is removed.

something happens along the way

This is what you’re here for. For her; you will fall in love the moment you see her. A picture, in person, wherever the opportunity arises, you will fall in love. She will be a complete stranger to you, but that’s the last thing on your mind. That’s it, you know this is what you want, and you will soon find out you’re what she wants.

You will find out her name, and you will think it’s the best name in the world. You will love every letter that makes up her name. You will love her voice, the way she looks down and locks to your eyes again. You will notice that silly smile on her face and sudden bursts of laughter that she makes when she’s being comfortable with you.

You will know her birthday, you will put the reminder on your phone and set an alarm 2 weeks in advance and spend days, without giving it away, how to make her one day special for her.

You will listen to every word, you will absolutely love her opinions, and you will want to know what she thinks about anything. You don’t care what you do, as long as you’re with her.

All her history, what she did in primary school, what she still remembers. What she did in her teenage years, what she values in life, her goals and dreams. What movie she likes, her favourite food and stare into her eyes because you can’t remember when you have seen brown look so amazing before. The way her eyes look through your heart and capture the butterflies that sink to your stomach.

You will write down all her sizes because everywhere you go, you want to buy her gifts and you want to make sure they fit. Shoes give you the most trouble, sometimes she’s a 7 or 7 and a half or maybe an 8 sometimes. Not because it’s a requirement, but because you want to give her everything and you want her to smile all the time. Even though her cheeks might get sore, it’s the only pain you will tolerate.

You will message her 3 a.m. at night because you’ll know she will be up, for whatever reason and she will respond because you’re the only person who knows she will be up at this time. This synergy you have created, you will message when she’s about to message you. This uncanny situation, with everyday, you both feel like this.

He will know your weaknesses and make a mental note to protect you in every way so only your strengths show. He will know what you dream about because he listened to every word you said. He will know your fears and doubts because he caught every tear that fell from your eyes.

He will finish off the lyrics to a song you have forgotten and then hear your sudden burst of laughter to your amazement that he still remembers those songs from the 90s.

He will know about this lingering fear that you have, that one day you will die. When you lay your head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat, he knows you fear growing old, but that’s why he holds you every night. He knows it may be his last time he gets to hold you. That’s why he wrote I love you to every message you received. It wasn’t a signature for every message, but if it was, it was from his heart.

All your bad habits he will see, as you shy away from them initially, you become comfortable because he finds your imperfections perfect. The only time imperfection can equal perfect.

Most importantly, he will know your heart, your soul. He has already mapped out your body and keeps a mental outline of your smile.

When you slept, he spent hours looking at you, admiring how calm you are. Your chest slowly moving up and down and your lips slightly opened.

Then something happens along the way.

Something … .

Both of you become strangers again; the only difference this time is, he still knows everything about you. A stranger knows you better than your parents, your siblings, your friends and everyone who mattered to you living in this world. There’s no one else that knows you more than he does.

He mapped out your entire world and made a mental note of it.

Something else happens now.

You can’t remember her voice that clearly, the sound is fading. Her sudden bursts of laughter are silent. You’re not sure if her birthday is on the 9th or the 19th and you’re not so sure if she still dreams about travelling The Universe?

At 3 a.m., you’re not sure if she’s sleeping or awake.

When he sleeps, he wakes up and there’s a shadow where you used to sleep.

And with everyday that happens to go on, it feels more surreal that everything he knew about you was in another place, another time, in another moment locked away in his history. He doesn’t even know if any of this even happened anymore.

Until one day, he can’t remember a thing.

cure for a broken heart

Best Friend: Don't worry about it, there's so many people out there to love.
Heartbroken Friend: I don't want anyone else. I want her.
Best Friend: But you can love someone else just as much!
Heartbroken Friend: It's not the same. You can't just love someone else.
Best Friend: Sure you can. All you need is a bit of chemistry, attraction and then some hope. In your case, see if they can hold an interesting conversation.
Heartbroken Friend: Someone new?
Best Friend: Of course.
Heartbroken Friend: I don't want to believe in someone new though.
Best Friend: Well, sorry to tell you this, but, what are you going to do? Waste your entire time chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you? It just pisses me off to see you fall and become so stubborn not to move on.
Heartbroken Friend: It's not that easy. I can't stop thinking about her, it just doesn't go away! Okay, it won't go. And when I feel like I'm doing okay again, the feeling sneaks up in front of me, grabs my heart and sinks it down to my stomach.
Best Friend: Come on, you're allowing yourself to think this way. You like to think this way. Stop and change. Instead, think of why you're not together and then think, is this the person you want to spend your entire life with.
Heartbroken Friend: What if they could change?
Best Friend: THEY WON'T. WHAT IF, WHAT IF ANYTHING? They won't change, they stay infinite around their stubbornness. Reality doesn't set in until several years have passed and they see that they left a few of the good guys behind. It's not your problem. You're my friend, you need to see it like it is.
Heartbroken Friend: I need a friend like you to make me realise this time and time again until I'm better.
Best Friend: What do you think I'm here for? When your heart gets broken, who remains? Your friend. When you feel betrayed, when they have left you on your own, guess who's there? Me.
Heartbroken Friend: Thanks, I can't believe through everything we have gone through, they have the ability to leave you like that, straight back to being worse off than a stranger. What the hell is that?
Best Friend: Human nature. That's how we are. We only care about now and the future, not interested in what I said to you in the past, or what I said I felt for you back then. I said I loved you a year ago, doesn't mean I still love you now. Don't make the mistake of getting caught in the nostalgia. I know you, if you don't feel, then what's the point right? Well, feel all you want when the girl of your dreams wouldn't let you go even if hell was running loose.
Heartbroken Friend: I still don't understand how one can flee.
Best Friend: Well, what would you do?
Heartbroken Friend: I couldn't leave the one I loved behind, I would save her, before I save myself if hell was causing havoc.
Best Friend: That's your problem. If she held on to you, she would go where you go. She wouldn't need saving. Why would you need to save someone who is already holding your hands? You have done your part, you need to find someone who will hold everything with you.
Heartbroken Friend: I thought I found it.
Best Friend: It's not that easy, sometimes you never find it. That's why you find it so hard to let go. You think she’s the one, you connect on every level, spill your soul out to her and she responds like she has known you for a million years. But every other person would think you’re desperate and needy because of the stigma attached to it, they're ignorant. They don't understand the magic, the fairytale emotion. If she thought this then it's further proof you need to part ways. There is nothing that would hurt you the most than expressing everything you felt to her for her to bite right back and say, "You're desperate and needy!" I'm sorry, but that's fucking nonsensical!
Heartbroken Friend: She didn't understand.
Best Friend: She wanted to leave! That's why you need to find someone who does. I'm glad you had this heartache.
Heartbroken Friend: Why?
Best Friend: I could see from the first day it wouldn't work, you went against all the rules. She didn't trust you and never did. She acted as if you broke up before it even started. Avoid like the plague in future, the type of emotion you're looking for doesn't start like that.
Heartbroken Friend: I guess so.
Best Friend: Hey, don't cry. Every blow to your heart is a lesson learned, okay. It's supposed to be like this, unless you're really lucky and find someone who is amazing to you straight off the bat. Not everyone is lucky, especially you. Your luck sucks, seriously dude. Focus on yourself for now. It's out there.
Heartbroken Friend: Somewhere . . . .

the logic of emotion

Logic: Why are you so grim?
Emotion: I am always grim.
Logic: This is true, but why?
Emotion: I wasn't gifted with logical reasoning, I create a world of profound feelings and I become open to attack.
Logic: I haven't been gifted with any emotion. I create a world of reasoning. Filled with right decisions.
Emotion: What kind of life is that? Living with no emotions.
Logic: There's emotion there, but I have no control over that. I make the hard decisions, the choices where you usually become so grim over.
Emotion: I know you cause me much pain.
Logic: For the better.
Emotion: How do you know this?
Logic: I don't. I merely facilitate the changes.
Emotion: Change? I am a victim of change.
Logic: We are all victims of change.
Emotion: I have this dream where I am happy. Everything is alright, everything is okay. She is there smiling and feeling love. Everything is perfect. A visual wonderland, a true feeling of belonging.
Logic: How does this dream end?
Emotion: It doesn't. I am haunted and tortured everyday. As I awake, I am reminded of my burden, alone and broken.
Logic: You will move on in time.
Emotion: But you see, this is perfect. As much as you can see the flaws, there's a fundamental perfection that's hard to comprehend.
Logic: Why isn't this dream a reality?
Emotion: It was. Things change. People change. My emotion surpassed their emotion and it continues to build while they deteriorate. You see this, but you're blinded by so much feeling and love you don't see the rust.
Logic: It's a sad truth.
Emotion: My dream is so real. I believe we experience death with every moment like this. I don't believe there's any difference emotionally. It's death.
Logic: Death with a new beginning.
Emotion: The hardest part is knowing you're living to forget. You truly live, while the state of emotion is dead, there's a fundamental sadness that will live on. Especially how life turns out. I imagine being old and I see her, her life faded away and wasn't happy. As much as it kills me, her being happy with someone else based on what has been learnt in this failed relationship.
Logic: But life needs to go on. Reasoning states if one doesn't feel the same anymore, they move on. This is life.
Emotion: Do you know what this dream feels like? It feels eternal. Feels like the secret to all life. I belonged.
Logic: We all belonged at some point. Sometimes people are not happy, people will not work for a solution. We become comfortable so much we fail to respond to needs and communication becomes difficult. Unfortunately, this is not entirely your fault. You need cooperation between two to work at building something special. The fire was strong is what you recall in your dream but fail to see how the deterioration has been left out. Sometimes people realise they don't want to spend their life with someone for whatever reason. Dreams remind you of a nostalgic wonderland. They will provide you with the ultimate feeling of longing. If there was any feeling left, you could always work on a solution. Is it really worth it to end it? Is it worth it to continue? Is the end strong enough to destroy the history or in time will the choices made be for the worst?
Emotion: I wake up and I am stripped of it all. I don't believe it's worth it to end unless there's no other way.
Logic: That's how it is. Take a look at The Universe. Endless, filled with wonder and raw emotion. Life begins, life has a structure, but it must end. Stars shine brightly until one day, they sadly die. It's sad for you Emotion, that the burden is so overwhelming. As I have no heart to feel, I assure you if I did, it would be breaking.
Emotion: It's so hard. It was so real...
Logic: It was never going to be easy. You will feel like you're the only one on this planet and the pain will eat away your mind. But as you're facing the storm, it doesn't get any better. This is not your only worry and when it all feels like you have lost everything, I assure you that you will survive. When you pull through the pain, you will be there but you will be able to live without feeling destroyed.
Emotion: It's still not sinking in. Do you know what it feels like to not do something or have anything to share with that person or see their face? Everything they do, their habits, conversations and just holding them in silence or just being there, next to you?
Logic: I have an idea, but I don't know what it feels like.
Emotion: Losing it all feels like death, stranded on the edge of a black hole, alone with no one to talk to, no support.
Logic: As much pain as you're in now, only time can numb the feeling. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do but brace yourself.
Emotion: I don't want to.
Logic: You have no choice. This is reality. It's not fair and it's brutal. These words are not just thrown in. Understand the meaning of 'brutal' and 'reality'.
Emotion: I have no choice. But I can't help but remember what I have lost.
Logic: It's unfortunate.
Emotion: It's not fair. How do I know it's the right choice?
Logic: I don't believe you have a say in the matter. However, if you did then you don't know. It's a risk and in the end if it was the wrong choice, that's the consequence and you can't change that or avoid it. When you have someone that is not willing to work on a solution, it will be unavoidable. Coming back to your dream, if it was the wrong choice that would be the ultimate pain, to realise you lost something over hastily decisions. Again, it's brutal, it's how it is.
Emotion: Can I save it?
Logic: Even if you tried, the outcome will surely not be in your favour. It's not up to you, you have nothing left to do. It may well be saved if both tried hard enough, but there needs to be effort there, in this case, effort has been exhausted.
Emotion: I will just dream... everything is perfect there. She is there, happy, I belong. I could have done so much more to save it!
Logic: That's what we all do is dream, but remember, dreams are not reality. I wouldn't stay there long, it will be a reminder of what you don't have anymore and a reminder of what you could have done.
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