In this moment of darkness, I will not see the terror that’s unfolding around me. I have learned to close my eyes and curl into a ball. I hold myself tightly in the corner and I cry because I can’t take this anymore.
You can’t see me because I have turned off the lights. No one will be able to tell if I’m sick because I smile when they ask if I’m alright.
Where have I been? Where do I go? You may ask. I haven’t journeyed far from my room; I haven’t seen the world from the peak of Hanging Rock. I have been sitting in my room waiting for the light, a light that never came.
I know if I don’t speak, if I don’t seek help, no one will suspect a thing, and it will be my friend darkness and me, sitting in the corner where the cold air leaks and my maddening thoughts speak.
For when the morning comes, you will lose your best friend; you will lose someone you hold so deep. You will see me lying in the corner with a heavy heart and when you feel my unrhythmic pulse, you will be heartbroken. Everyone else that loves me will lose their hope, their will to live and I, will remain unspoken.
For all the joy and kindness I gave, I didn’t receive any for when I went the other way. When I sort out those who needed help and got them to pray, I made a deal with the Devil and sold my sanity on a midsummer’s day.
Tribute to Robin Williams who died on August 11, 2014.
- Michael Daaboul
Tear me apart and say that you wanted me forever.
All the words that I could have said and all the moments that we spent together got washed away.
When it rains, I have no more reasons to be here and the light doesn’t want to find the darkness anymore.
My shadows are fighting to stay alive, but my scars are there for all to see.
All those memories that we had made, is all I can remember, when you said you wanted me to last forever.
I can’t see what you see, when you tore those words apart and all the secrets that fell like rain across my chest.
I kept on waiting standing in the middle of nowhere and forever, but your words left scars on me.
After all these years, they became the wounds that never healed, stuck in the middle of nowhere holding on to the thought of what you used to be.
I didn’t know when I would arrive; I didn’t know what path I was going to take. But, I knew where I wanted to go and I could see a beautiful horizon from the summit.
Every path seemed dangerous, they all intertwined; some were broken. It really showed the delicate path and tenuous nature finding love could be.
I didn’t just sit on the summit and wait, I was looking for someone who understood what I wanted and reflected my values.
They would be on the same page as me and we could turn each page together. I liked that idea so much; I didn’t mind how many times I fell on rocks or how many cuts and bruises I would get.
It would all be worth it.
4 Years Later
When you spoke, you didn’t lie to me.
You didn’t go with the status quo, you waited for love, and you waited for me.
I held your waist and I spun you around while we danced during the night. I held your hand; we walked through the park and came out by the empty city streets.
With all of this, you cared at every part. Your eyes looked at me like they wanted to read every thought I had. Everything we did meant so much to you. Every detail, you cared about everything, you had qualities that I thought had been gone for a long time.
When I looked at you, I told you about the path I took. You replied with the same story.
It was only a matter of time before I could call you mine.
When you leave, I won’t let you go so fast. I will stop you, turn you around and look into your eyes. I’ll smile and kiss your lips. I’ll ask you not to go; while knowing that’s not possible. But I say it anyway.
I’ll hold your hand when we walk because I like to feel your skin on mine.
I sometimes get teary because I can’t believe I found someone like you, when you ask why I’m crying, I try to hide it and respond by telling you I was just yawning.
I get excited when we have breakfast together, and I don’t know why, maybe because it’s two of my favourite things.
I don’t need to tell you this, but never be with a bad man.
Never give yourself away like you’re nothing.
I won’t need to remind you, but when the time comes, your heart will. Your emotions shouldn’t be ignored because they will yearn for what you need even when you have forgotten what you truly desire.
Never forget what you want, because when you do there will be no one there to tell you what you would have already come to know.
When you look at yourself in the mirror, it’s not about respecting who you are anymore, it’s not about anything you have ever come to know. It’s all about when you look deep into your eyes reflection and realise you were doing it all wrong.
Until one day, it hits you; your emotions have been so betrayed by you that you didn’t listen for one moment and when you feel like you did, it was too late.
I’m here to tell you … it’s never too late.
Will you always expect me to love you, even when I find it hard to love myself sometimes?
Do you expect me to be good to you, when I’m bad to myself?
Do you expect me to be kind to you, when I’m angry at myself?
When I’m looking off into your distant horizon, I’m not being cold; my thoughts are not on standby. Sometimes I’m hard to understand because I don’t understand why I deserved you when I think you deserved so much more, so much better than me.
I relentlessly question the greater power as to why they have cursed me with such a beautiful soul. What have I done that made me worthy?
Is this the plan? To make me fall so deep, make me cling my hopes and dreams to them and watch them unhook my anchor as I’m falling 10,000 feet in the air?
Do you want me to feel betrayal and the pointy shards of my broken heart, this dry and overworn artefact? Do I need to be broken again to learn what I failed to learn the first time around?
Do I fear failing so much that I won’t bother to try? I won’t bother to see how beautiful you smile when the Sun is shining behind you.
It’s all a state of mind.
What makes me not worthy than the next person? I want to share my hopes and dreams with a beautiful soul; I want to belong with someone.
I mean no disrespect to the stars, but you have seen me weak and you have seen the way I weep. You have seen when I’m not a man and you have seen how quick I crumble like sand.
Please don’t take her away from me, even if I’m not worthy.
This all feels overwhelming.
I look at the time and it feels like there’s not enough of it, and when I’m waiting for something, there’s too much.
I can sleep and wake up as a new person, different from yesterday. I can feel different, change the way I was thinking before, and look different, as if time is moulding me as it pleases. Having its way, harassing me and I am powerless to do anything about it but look at my reflection and ponder.
It hasn’t been long, but I feel like I’m already a different person than I was a year ago.
The conversations that I had with you, I’m not so sure if what I said fits with the person that I have become today.
All the words I said live in another time, another place that had a different meaning and feeling to what I feel right now. In the future, they will take on a different meaning to the person that I would eventually become.
Even though I smile when I look at you, I’m decaying inside. You can’t see the destruction within me, you can’t read what I’m really thinking, but I will smile anyway so you don’t have to worry.
You can do what you like and exclude me; I won’t get in your way. When you say you will do anything for me, do you understand the weight, the meaning these words carry?
Even if you don’t, like time it doesn’t bother with the details, but only concentrates on passing through; I will smile anyway.
We’re a sad horse; we are disappointed with the world because our expectations are not in view with reality. No, we’re not lazy, but expect a lot. We’re ambitious, flowery and want fulfilment and meaningful relationships.
We’re green with envy of everyone else, some think their grass is always green, when we look over the fence, it’s a marvellous wonderland. Have you seen what’s in the shed? Everyone is just like you. They’re not sure what they’re doing, clinging to whatever hope they can muster, floating in the dark, can’t decide on what they want, always frustrated and annoyed at everything. No self-confidence or overly confident and miserable at the world.
Concentrate on the most important part; yourself. Stop looking over the fence, don’t look for distractions. Work towards YOU and don’t worry about everyone else.
I’m sorry that I didn’t do enough.
I want you to know that each day hurts without you.
I feel you’re fading away from my mind, but not from my heart. My heart won’t let you go and it holds on to you with claws anchored in as if losing you will cut open a wound so large it would flutter an abnormal rhythm from every chamber. All the contractions will be in shock, the lower chambers will hum the Valley of Death and the music to my ears, and how your smile looks to my eyes will all be out of sync.
I hope that you will come back to me and we can start again.
But you are gone.
You are gone.
Cut open and flutter abnormally a rhythm and dance with me in the lower chambers, and you walked with me holding my hands in the Valley of Death and left me all out of sync.
Why did I stay?
I have never seen a mind quite like this one. I couldn’t sense her; I couldn’t feel what she was, or what she was feeling. I couldn’t read her.
Naturally, I wanted to know more. I was instantly pulled towards her, she fascinated me. She baffled my understanding, my logic, everything I knew, when I looked at her, I felt like I knew nothing.
I had this howling desire to be with her. And I did just that, I hurled my entire existence in her direction, every part of me. It was an obsession, it was freedom, all strangely intertwining together, kissing and being stubborn all at the same time.
Nothing about me or her, or our unbending minds could change it, both strong and weak, soaking up every moment.
All I did was let my emotional universe become consumed, I let it become, in its entirely, completely consumed. My mind had an equal, every thought expanded to the point I had no more understanding of what was happening.
This whole situation was awfully blemished, but she was there, larger than the planet itself, looking straight at me; this one person, precarious and so fragile.
I knew from the beginning that she would destroy me and for a fleeting moment that seemed to last a lifetime, it didn’t bother me. Every emotional tug-of-war and every crack that surfaced, I didn’t mind. My mind was feeding from the calamity from her lips and my whole existence was one with her.
Why did I stay? I stayed because I wanted to be broken, I wanted to be destroyed in such a way that I didn’t recognise who I was anymore. I was terminal, emotionally exhausted and weak. There was nothing left of me which was the perfect opportunity to evolve into something much more. How well did I know myself? How could I become someone else in a state of crisis?
I thought I knew who I was, but, I knew nothing at all.